Let the kid grieve!

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Why is it that we adults can tend to over-intellectualize our child's grieving? A loss is a loss, okay? This can include a friend moving away, losing a favorite toy, a grand-parent passing away, or a beloved pet passing away. Many of us know that the cycle of grieving often consists of moving in and out of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance that are a part of the scaffolding that helps us learn to live with what we have lost. So what does this look like for your child?

When my dad passed away four years ago, my children grieved in different ways. One stayed up all night before the memorial service to write what he needed to say to his "gramp" and gave a eulogy from the heart the next day. He made it through the service only to break down in my arms sobbing at the loss of his dearest friend. Another wrote a letter to my dad as well, but he needed to go into the church by himself, walk to the casket and read his words out loud to my dad in a very intimate setting. None of us knew what that letter said as my son put it in the casket with my dad. My son needed to do this on his own. The third child simply sat by me in near proximity, with tears streaming and few words. A hug, a simple arm squeeze and physical nearness is what he desired. One needed to see my dad's physical body and two did not want this image in their heads.

Recognize the loss without quantifying it. The loss does not need to be catastrophic to be an opportunity for you to help your child navigate a loss. Don't evaluate the magnitude of the loss for your child. Connect with them and allow your child to let you know by words and/or actions the magnitude of their loss. Walk along side them and accept them, resisting development of your perception of what their process should be. Your child is not an adult. They do not have the reasoning skills that you have, yet they are learning. Help them to grieve in a healthy way. Ask them questions and give them age appropriate options.  Teach them the importance of allowing themself to grieve. Don't make their loss a chance for you to feel in control by dictating how and how long they grieve. 

Does this sound like a reprimand? Maybe. Working with many children who have not had the opportunity to grieve impassions me to advocate for them.  They depend on us. Make a safe space, love them, don't judge, and facilitate expression of their loss. Be the parent. They deserve it. 

Navigating Mid-Life as a STEPMOM

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Life is hard. And let's face it, whether you are a male or a female, there are a whole host of issues we face during middle age. Raising children, managing blended family needs and elderly parents' needs, and the list goes on. Watching the dated movie Stepmom, provides a window into one middle-aged woman's challenges and opportunities. She has choices to make and the process is messy and imperfect. In the end, by understanding the context for the relationships we have, prioritizing them, and finding meaning in our life, we can experience peace and joy in the midst of it all.

There are two main characters in Stepmom. Jackie is the ex-wife of businessman Luke and the perfect mother of two children. Isabel is younger, a fashion photographer, and soon to be Luke’s new wife. Jackie falls within the middle adulthood stage of life. She juggles divorce, single parenting two children, communicating with Luke’s fiancé, and a terminal illness. She balances caring for herself and her children. Isabel exemplifies early adulthood. She is working toward intimacy by developing her ability to experience an open and supportive relationship with another person without losing her identity in the process (Newman & Newman, 2012). Luke’s attachment to his former spouse causes her to work against isolation as she desires to be connected and have a sense of belonging to his family. Isabel tries to integrate with the family and find her role as a stepmom by developing intimate relationships based on openness, sharing, and mutual trust (Raskin, 1986).  

The two main characters can be viewed in the movie as working through the current stages they are in. There are moments when they both dig their feet in and appear stuck, but they push through. The women navigate the stage between them by being true, real, authentic, and empathic toward one another as they make mistakes. The women do not always handle situations perfectly; they work to be humble, each are resilient, and they continue to communicate with one another.

The significant transition points for both women surround Jackie’s realization that she does not have long to live. When she finds out she has a progressed stage of cancer, she realizes that Isabel will one day be taking care of her children and she must facilitate the transition. There is a gradual weakening of emotional walls as Isabel earns the trust of the children and Jackie learns to let go. The goal of Jackie’s struggle is not to eliminate fear, but rather to have the courage to move forward amidst the fear (Slater, 2003). Isabel can catch up with, if not exceed Jackie in the areas of initiative, intimacy, and generativity (Whitbourne, Sneed & Sayer, 2009) as she catapults to middle adulthood. Faith is not an obvious part of either of their lives. There is a sense of spirituality in Jackie that resembles touches of humanity as she reflects on her children and processes through end of life issues, which ultimately helps them all.

You are resilient. Are you humble? Are you true, real, authentic, and empathic toward others? Are you willing to be seen as imperfect? Moreover, are you willing?

 

Columbus, C. (Director). (1998).  Stepmom. United States: TriStar Pictures

Newman, B.M., & Newman P. R. (2012). Development through life: A psychosocial

            approach. (11 ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Raskin, P. M. (1986). The relationship between identity and intimacy in early adulthood.

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            Development, 147(2), 167-181. doi:10.1080/00221325.1986.9914491

Slater, C. L. (2003). Generativity versus stagnation: an elaboration of Erikson's adult

            stage of human development. Journal Of Adult Development, 10(1), 53.

Whitbourne, S. K., Sneed, J. R., & Sayer, A. (2009). Psychosocial development from

            college through midlife: A 34-year sequential study. Developmental Psychology,

            45(5), 1328-1340. doi:10.1037/a0016550